Life was an orgy for these passion bums!

Holy. Shit. (This post is about sex.)

Um. Yeah. So... that escalated quickly.

Thank you to everyone who has been supporting me through this hilarious insanity - from "oh my god do I not like sex?!" (which is now deleted, thanks ex finding my GT) to "I just broke up with my boyfriend" to "how do I have casual sex?!" to "how do I have a coffee date?!" to "OMG I JUST HAD MY COFFEE DATE IT WAS AMAZING". The second ETA to that post is, ahem:

OMG HE'S COMING OVER. I spent $300 at Victoria's Secret and told him that when he asked how my day was, and he's coming over. OMG OMG.

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I....

Like, I'm still speechless. I am writing this because so many of you have been there for me through this, so I want you to know that ALL OF THAT GODDAMNED PAIN WAS WORTH IT. Breaking up with my ex was the best decision I ever made. Because it let me have this. And I don't even know entirely what it is, or how long it will last, or what will happen, because it doesn't even matter. I finally pursued the kink I've wanted to feel since I was in Grade 11 and researching what my feelings meant and I think it kind of changed my life.

I don't really know how to describe what happened (without being, you know, an erotica writer lol). I explained the actual acts to my friend, who is very much not kinky, and she thought it sounded like great sex but I can't communicate the psychological aspect of it. I finally got to submit to someone I trusted - I don't even know how or why I trust this person so much already, but I feel like I handed over my mind and my soul to someone who deserved and wanted them and he took such good care of me. I feel changed.

I am also writing this because I'm freaking the fuck out. I don't know how to handle emotions like this. If anyone has experience subbing or being poly and can relate or has advice (GoodCheese/TimeGirl? Bat signal!!) I desperately would love to hear that. But this might relate to vanilla sex too, and other kinds, any perspectives are welcome!

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1. How do I not fall in love with him immediately?!

I'm not even kidding. I know people can fall because sex is good. When he did things to me and I completely gave in it felt like I fell in love with him all at once. The physical feelings were the least of it, too - it was for being a person who wanted to do that for me, who was capable of being there so intensely I could forget to be. And once I was in that state we continued to do things - sex, oral, talking with skin on skin contact, playing with rope - for three more hours. I don't see him clearly now. The words he texts me have so much more meaning. His name has taken on an erotic quality. We set ground rules ahead of time, that I need him to not push for more time with me than I suggest, because I will say yes and I don't want to lose myself in this. But he's been clear, he wants as much of me as I'll let him have. And not just sex - he wants to come to my stupid jazz concert recital, he wanted to help when I had a migraine, he wants to take me away for a weekend for his birthday in January. It sounds incredible. And intoxicating, and I am so scared!

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2. More practical - how do you poly?

Interesting thing I realized about relationships today, is that for me, the boyfriend/girlfriend line comes when you decide to be exclusive. How do you do that (or not do that) when exclusivity is not on the table? I've been sounding out my feelings, and right now I would be happy if he were seeing someone else, but I would want to feel primary. But it is way too soon to actually ask for that, and I don't even want to commit to that. But if he's making plans to go on trips, are we already there? How do you communicate these things? I don't want to just literally say what I said here, because I don't want to trigger a conversation I'm not ready for. But maybe I should, I don't know.

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Last thing, GTers. I hope that this is okay to share here. I don't want to be a braggy like, look at this transcendental life affirming sex I am having! If it helps, this is a LIFETIME coming.(**TW Sexual Assault**) Since I was sexually assaulted four years ago, my feelings around sex have been incredibly complicated and painful, connected to my identity, and I have been used so badly so much. (Like many of us.) The sex assault counseling I received after that incident opened my eyes to the grey areas between "Yes!" and "No go away" (like reluctant consent, coercion, and soft nos) and I could finally think through my sex life pre-assault, where I had so much sex I didn't want - fully half of my partners coerced me, pressured me, or socially intimidated me into having sex, and I felt like it was my fault for not saying no. They weren't rapists. But that doesn't make it okay. I feel like a lot of people can imagine or know how big a deal it is to finally, after nine years and twice that many partners, finally be with someone for whom my pleasure matters more than his. And not in that stupid pornographic "I need to make you orgasm for my male ego" way, but in a way that feels so incredibly authentic I wanted to cry.

Needless to say, I think he has ruined me for regular men.

So. I hope that makes this less braggy and possibly annoying. If this bothers you at all and you want me to stop sharing these posts to GT, please email me at zokajo.groupthink!gmail.com and I will do so!

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