Ahh! So, I maybe have a coffee date tomorrow or Monday. I would already be nervous, because this will be my first date after being with my ex for almost four years. But there is this extra level of unfamiliarity because I met this person on Fetlife.
Joining Fetlife (and pursuing some of the kinkier things I want to experience) was one of the really fun "now I'm single I can do this!!" things that I've done recently. And it HAS been fun! I have only been talking to prospective sexual people online so far. I made a friend with a straight girl who seemed really cool and organizes events, and we went out to hang out last night and had a blast, and I really like her. There have been some MAAAAAJOR douchebags (like, scary yousoundlikearapist douchebags) but a couple of interesting people. And this one guy, let's call him... Jack... has been treating me with kid gloves. I really like talking to him. He's in grad school for the same thing as me. He's very experienced in the community, someone else in the community is his sub sort of thing (who posts on his things and they have photos), has photos with other people in the community. He's listed as polyamorous - his sub has a boyfriend, they're in an open relationship. He seems like a notrapist. So, that's good!
My profile flat out says "I am new to this and going very slowly!" and he's been so, so respectful of that. We've talked about a lot of things, sexual and not sexual, with open communication. He asked me if I'd like to go to a rope practice at the end of the month, which means over a month of chatting before we meet in person. And I will get to get tied up, which I've always wanted (THIS IS SO WEIRD TO WRITE), but in a public environment with other people and my clothes on, so it feels like a fun and safe thing to do! There's a munch the day after which he's going to, his sub and her boyfriend are going to, and he's promised to introduce me to other people (Doms included) in the community, which is really cool.
I maybe messaged him when I was drunk last night, and he asked me out for coffee so we can get to know each other before the rope practice next weekend. I mean, it makes sense, I should probably meet the guy before he's tying me up. And I find his brain attractive. But I'm shy. And also, I mentioned this to the Fetlife Girl I made friends with last night, and she laughed and said "coffee never means coffee with Fetlife".
So... do you have any advice for someone who doesn't know how to coffee?! I really kind of just want to do coffee. (In an abstract sense, I will probably get tea.) Going for coffee was a thing when I was single last, but I didn't do it. I usually just dated people I already knew by, like, going from friendship to sleeping with them and then dating! No coffee required!
And people in the kink community... is it possible to meet someone off Fetlife actually just for coffee? Do you have any advice for this sort of thing? Are there things I should get up the guts to ask? It feels so weird to meet someone (who is a prospective Dom) who knows so many of my sexual preferences and not feel like I've somehow already agreed to have sex with them. I'm meeting Jack and not any of the others because he makes me feel very safe, and is very clear, and is very into consent, and very experienced, but I still am super freaked out about transferring this relationship of sorts from talking online to in person.
ETA: I also feel really guilty about this, because last time I talked to my ex he basically called me a slut (again) and said he thought I wanted to get back together when he has his shit together (I did) but I'm probably out sleeping with everyone so obviously I didn't mean that. We are no longer talking to each other. I feel guilty thinking about someone else in a sexual fashion, and I'm actually thinking about TWO people this way - this Jack guy from Fetlife, and a vanilla guy I met at a wedding, who I'm going to be seeing early December when I take a trip to Toronto. We flirt text all the time. I feel like the slut my ex called me (and not in a good way!) when I go from my flirty texts from Tall and Handsome Wedding Guy to Fetlife messages from Kinky Jack Dom Guy. Fuck you, ex. This is my life!